A common concern I hear from my female clients involves difficulty in reaching orgasm. Here are some hints that I have found to be helpful:
PSYCHOLOGICAL HINTS:
1) Anticipate the Sexual Encounter--Many women find that if they spend some time fantasizing about an upcoming sexual encounter, they can use their minds (imagination) to "turn themselves on" physically, as well as emotionally. It also helps for women to learn to identify what turns them on in their environment (i.e., romantic or erotic stories, love songs, videos, etc.) and use this material in anticipation of a sexual encounter. This process of "starting on warm" can help to make reaching "the end" easier.
2) Get Relaxed--Most women require a transition or "down time" in order to be opened-up to receiving sexual pleasure. This is because emotional tension negatively interferes with sexual response. So, listen to music, take a hot bath, read a book, do "whatever works" to get relaxed. Being in a relaxed mode is very helpful to achieving orgasm.
3) Eliminate Distractions--Women frequently find that their minds are cluttered with distractions such as "to do" lists, worries about privacy, too much light in the room, too much noise, pets in the room, etc. Identifying one's distractions and then eliminating them before sex can help a woman to focus on her body and her good feelings so that orgasm is easier to achieve. Distractions of any kind usually sabotage the sexual focus needed for most women to reach orgasm.
4) Eliminate Anger--It is hard to make love to a porcupine---and that is how many women feel when they are angry at their partner. Anger distances people. It is necessary for most women to work on eliminating angry and hurt feelings so that they can feel intimately connected with their partner. Most women require connection at the heart before they can truly connect with their genitals.
5) Get Comfortable with Your Body and Its Imperfections--Learning to appreciate and accept one's body is key to good sexual responsiveness. Obsessing over body imperfections--how it looks, feels, smells, or tastes, etc., may sabotage sexual response and certainly can interfere with orgasm. Such obsessing interferes with sexual arousal. In other words, the mind gets in the way of the body's response. It is good to remember that most men get more turned on by an interested and interesting partner rather than by a perfect body.
6) Get Into an Erotic Focus During Sex--This requires putting the mind in an erotic mode so that the mind can boost physical arousal. This can be done by following in "the mind's eye" what one's partner is doing (to you) physically. It may require imagery of an erotic or romantic scene or fantasy that is a turn on. Perhaps, best of all is being turned on by watching one's partner and/or looking into each other's eyes. But this might not be possible because many women need closed eyes to focus in order to reach orgasm.
7) Concentrate--As arousal builds, most women need to concentrate on their pleasurable feelings (especially those in the clitoris and/or vagina), and on their growing excitement. Concentration, which usually excludes verbal responses, is part of the erotic focus necessary for many women to reach orgasm.
8) Get Out of The "Real Way" Trap--Many people of both genders mistakenly believe that "the real way" to orgasm is only through vaginal intercourse. Other ways of achieving orgasm, such as by clitoral stimulation (manually or orally), do not count to these people because these orgasms are deemed inferior to a "vaginal orgasms." This false belief (which originated with Sigmund Freud) still causes many modern women to think they are broken, abnormal or inferior because they can not orgasm "the real way." Please remember: The majority of women orgasm most effectively with clitoral stimulation or vaginal stimulation assisted by clitoral stimulation, not by vaginal stimulation alone, and that is okay and fine! Many women will never orgasm just by vaginal stimulation alone. All orgasms are valid no matter how they happen to occur. Trying to orgasm the "real way" can trap people into worrying about sexual performance and can certainly inhibit orgasm.
9) Make Time For Play--People frequently leave lovemaking for very late hours, when bodies just need sleep. If people would "make time for play" (not necessarily foreplay), protect that time and not wait for spontaneous encounters, they would be more assured of good sex. This is especially meaningful for women because it is easier to reach orgasm when feeling energized rather than tired and weary.
PHYSICAL HINTS:
1) Become an Expert On Your Own Body--Learning about your body and its responses is essential for most women to reach orgasm reliably. The idea is to take control of your body and personally get in touch with your responses, then teach your partner what kind of touch is most pleasurable. Remember, he is not the expert only on his body! Your are! Women who haven't learned about their bodies are not able to know what they like sexually. These women are often not orgasmic because they haven't learned what works for them.
2) Communicate Openly--Open communication is essential for sexual satisfaction because people are not mind readers. Spoken communication is clearest, but guiding your partner's hand or prearranged cues may work as well. Open communication about sex takes honesty, trust, respect and the ability to take risks.
3) Be Sure Your Partner is "On the Mark"-- If your partner is off target when stimulating your body, you won't ever reach orgasm. So, make sure you convey where you need to be touched as well as what you like best.
4) Exaggerate Sexual Tension--With physical arousal it is natural for one's muscles to tense up as orgasm approaches. This happens in both sexes, but is more noticeable in women. Exaggerating this muscle tension may help to trigger an orgasm.
5) Squeeze those Muscles--Contracting the muscles around the vagina (called PC muscles) helps to bring blood to the genitals and thus builds arousal. These are also the muscles that contract with orgasm. Squeezing the PC muscles (called Kegel Exercises) may help to trigger orgasm and may make orgasm more intense.
6) Hang Your Head--Hanging your head over the side of the bed may trigger orgasm. In some women this may heighten arousal and sexual tension. If nothing else, this position will be a distraction from "trying too hard" and hence may lead to orgasm.
7) Breathe Differently--Varying breathing patterns may also add to sexual arousal and can trigger orgasm.
8) Be a Tease--Teasing yourself or allowing your partner to tease you by touching your "pleasure spots," then withdrawing the touch over and over again, is a very effective way to build arousal and heighten orgasm.
9) Practice Letting Go--Orgasm rehearsal (in private) is often helpful for women who have trouble relinquishing control. Practicing orgasms, including making noises and "funny" faces, may help to gain comfort and reduce anxiety about having orgasms. This may help in the process of learning to orgasm.
10) Be superior--For women who want to "work on" their orgasms with intercourse, the female superior position (on top) generally works best. This position allows a woman to take control of intercourse, thus allowing maximum stimulation. In this way, she can control the tempo of intercourse, the depth of penile thrusting (or sliding movements), and the clitoral stimulation. The female superior position is especially good for women who have personal issues that require the need to feel in total control sexually.
11) Use Toys If You Like--If you are comfortable with the use of sex toys, vibrators can be a fun way to help "get there" reliably and easily. They take "the work" out of trying to orgasm and can also take pressure off your partner because your pleasure then becomes your own responsibility. Vibrators work best when you hold it on yourself. Vibrators can be used (held on the clitoris) for sexual play or during sexual intercourse to facilitate the path to orgasm. If you're new to the world of vibrators, check out a brief article our recommendations of the different styles: Intro to Vibrators.
For a few more helpful hints on a more fulfilling sex life, check out our other article: Tips For a Fulfilling Sex Life. If you're new to using toys in your relationship, we have a few recommendations on how to have that conversation with your partner here: Introducing Sex Toys Into Your Relationship.
