Here is the hard rule about foreplay: it isn’t optional.

What is foreplay?

Foreplay isn’t easily categorized into little boxes. It’s a set of intimate acts between you and your partner(s) meant to increase arousal and desire for sexual activity. Foreplay can be emotional, physical, mental, and even verbal acts of intimacy.

Try to stay with me for this analogy: every year for Thanksgiving and Christmas, you might buy a frozen turkey. But you need to make sure that you buy it in enough time to thaw it out before you cook it. Putting a frozen turkey in a 300 degree oven would make for a very ill-cooked turkey. In fact, it probably won’t cook at all. If you’re struggling with my weird analogy: your partner is the turkey and sex is the oven. Your partner (and your own body) need some time to “thaw out” and warm up in preparation for sex.

Needing foreplay does not mean your partner isn’t attracted to you. Sex is a mental game as much as it is a physical game. You have to get your head in the game if you ever want to win.

Different types of foreplay

Foreplay is different for everyone. It comes in all different types. We’ll go over some of the most common. Please keep in mind that foreplay isn’t one size fits all. What works for you might not be the right thing for your partner and what worked for previous partners might not be enough for your current partner. One more note on this very nuanced concept: sexual needs and wants change as people grow and evolve in their own sexual health. If you’re in a long term relationship, it’s completely normal for what foreplay looks like to change as your relationship grows and changes.

Emotional Foreplay

This is more for those in long term relationships. Emotional foreplay focuses on intimacy and a deeper connection. Emotional foreplay is simply summed up as being sweet to your partner, usually without any sexual emphasis. Holding hands while watching a movie, acts of service around the house, small (or big) gifts for no reason. Genuine connection and making your partner feel valued are important.

Physical Foreplay

This can be anything you do where you are touching your partner- with your own body or a sexual aide (hello vibrators!). Kissing, neck or ear nibbling, massaging, fondling breasts or stimulating nipples, ass grabbing, or “on top of the clothes” grinding or rubbing are all great ways to start heating things up. If your end goal is intercourse- vaginal or anal- then oral sex or partner masturbation can be foreplay. Clit licking, ball grabbing, fingering, etc. If you’re into any type of bondage kinks, physical foreplay could be using nipple clamps, whips and ticklers, gag balls, restraints, or blindfolds. Even if you’re entry level, we’ve got a huge selection of bondage, fetish, and kink necessities.

Mental Foreplay

This is similar to emotional foreplay but has a slight to heavy emphasis on sexual desire. This can be checking your partner out across the room and letting them know when you’re at a social function. Knowing your partner has eyes for you in a room full of others is a great feeling. Flirting in general is a great way to start heating things up and leaving your partner excited for what’s to come. My favorite mental foreplay is sexting. Surprise your partner with a random text about how great they looked the last time you saw them or how you can’t wait to see what they’re wearing when you see them next. It may seem innocent enough but it’s a great way to get them thinking about you and the intimacy to come. To take an innocent text to the next level, sexting is an easy way to make things hot and heavy when you're miles away from each other.

Verbal Foreplay

Verbal foreplay is similar to mental foreplay, but it focuses on speaking to your partner in a sexual way. A whisper across the table when you’re out at dinner telling them that you can’t wait to get them home and even what you plan to do to them once you get them home might make your partner want to skip dessert and call an Uber right then and there. But don’t let it stop once you get home. You can combine verbal foreplay with physical foreplay. Touch your partner and tell them how attractive they are or how good they feel. Use your imagination!

Foreplay’s Role and Research

Physically, foreplay turns you and your partner on. Arousal increases and blood-flow to your sexual organs increases. Women tend to get wet (vaginal lubrication) and men tend to get an erection. Psychologically, foreplay can lower your partner’s and your own inhibitions and increase the emotional connection you share.

Study after study has shown that the more foreplay you have, the better sex will be. And who doesn’t want an enhanced sexual experience? In a global study of about 12,000 individuals from 27 countries in 6 continents, physical foreplay was rated as "very important" for 63% of men and 60% of women. (The Journal of Sexual Medicine, 2008)

A Few Tips and Tricks

1) Ask your partner what turns them on.

When in doubt, talk it out. It may seem awkward at first, but even having the conversation can be a type of verbal foreplay. In the end, your partner will feel better that you care enough to ask and you’ll feel more confident in foreplay because you’ll know exactly what they want.

2) Take your time removing articles of clothing.

Foreplay is not a sprint; it’s a marathon. It’s definitely not something that should be rushed. Go slow, enjoy it. Take off your partner’s shirt then pay some special attention to their chest and torso. Then move to take off their pants and do the same thing there.

3) Get wet together.

While I personally do not like shower sex, showering with my parter can certainly put me in the mood. A sensual bubble bath with candles is the literal stuff of romance novels. While you may not be wanting to play the part of Fabio, I’ve yet to meet a woman who doesn’t want sexy tub time with her partner. We’ve got plenty of supplies for your sexy shower or bath time.

4) Wear sexy underwear.

This one is more for the ladies although underwear knows no gender. I know damn well that putting on a black lace bra and matching panties makes me feel confident. And it doubly pays off at the end of the night when my clothes come off and there’s still visual stimulus for my partner. Don’t limit yourself to just bras and panties. If you can manage a lingerie set under your outfit, then we’ve got you covered with a huge lingerie section. If lace and G-Strings aren’t your thing, take my advice and flip it 180 degrees: wear no underwear for a sexy surprise at the end of the night